Friday, September 07, 2007

Obvious Karmic Punishment, Plus A Letter

The men working on a construction project next door blast nonstop vintage AC/DC, Aerosmith, Van Halen, etc. etc. from 9 am to 5 pm, and they are freaking running me out of my house. With every consecutive song I'm losing brain cells. It's clear I've done something to upset the Universe; the question is what? Dear God, WHAT. Well, since I'm on someone's shite list anyways, I may as well do this...

Dear Two Turntables,

I'm glad you pulled your daughter out of school after two days and without ever meeting her teacher or observing her class (something, you may recall, you were invited and encouraged to do). Since you clearly have a surplus of downtime, may I offer the following thinking points for when you are next on the treadmill or prepping for future physical enhancements to your face and breasts? Remember, these are only suggestions:

1) There was a time, was there not, when your own family did not speak English? Why, then, turn in disgust from those who are learning now?

2) Why purchase a flat iron for your daughter's lovely, naturally curled hair?

3) Why is your surname truncated to erase all traces of ethnicity?

4) What is the meaning of "self-hatred"?

5) What are the consequences of self-hatred?

6) And, finally, take a little bit of extra time to think on this because I'm sure it's eating at you: why, despite your outer trappings, are the Mexican/Filipina/African-American/Peruvian/Guatemalan mothers at our school so much more—there's no other way to put this—beautiful than you?

Oh, Two Turntables. Forgive me for being so blunt, but if I didn't say this here I might find myself unable to keep from blurting it out at the birthday party we will no doubt both be attending tomorrow. And that just wouldn't do.


Your Nesting Ground Mistress


kmargrett said...

Haha, sounds like my bf would love to be in your house during those hours, listening to them blasting Van Halen, vintage AC/DC and other musicians that rock hardcore.

And something is seriously wrong with that mother. I feel bad for the daughter who was pulled out of school..

ver said...

Okay, but now they're playing LOVERBOY, which is catastrophically worse, although quite hilarious in a back-to-the-80s kind of way.

And oh that mother. I want to strangle her AND send her to therapy...

JODI said...

I myself can't think of anything better than to join in song with, say AC/DC's Big Balls. Now there's a great classic rock song you just don't hear enough.

If you can't beat'm join'm!

Shuboy said...

We wandered into a Sharper Image yesterday (don't ask) and the sole salesperson in there had all the radios set to the same radio station blasting Loverboy.
Re: whatshername. Her loss (and unfortunately, her kids), but could you imagine having to deal with her at all of the "fancy lady" functions????? Better off without her, I say.

ver said...

I won't be blogging about this, but Two Turntables and I were, indeed, at the same birthday party yesterday, and let me just say I played her Patridge on electric keyboards!

Loverboy rules!