What the Crazy-Ass PG & E Guy Did

For the last few weeks, PG & E (that's "Pacific Gas & Electric" for you Right Coasters) workers have been terrorizing my block, forcing limits on our parking, and lounging around on the grass while consuming paper-wrapped items that I can only assume come from some gas station or, perhaps, a 7-11. They are doing this because (I think; I wasn't paying attention) they are changing everyone's gas lines from copper to something else or vice versa (I think; I wasn't paying attention). This has necessitated the use of a jackhammer in some cases, though not in ours.

So, yesterday it was our turn to have our gas lines dug up, etc. etc. The foreman guy knocks on my door to show me what they did and how they're going to patch up the edge of the driveway, etc. etc. He walks me along the edge of our grass, pointing at where the submerged gas line runs. Suddenly, I see a little patch of grass inflate and then deflate. And, yes, I know that grass cannot actually DO such a thing. I'm just saying that's what it looked like. Or, if you prefer, it looked like a little patch of grass was breathing heavily. "What's that?!" I said.

"Well, look at that," said Foreman Guy.

"What is it?!"

"It must be a mole or something. Hey, look at this," said Foreman Guy. He said this to some other guy who was waist deep in the earth in front of my white picket fence. "Look at this," he repeated. This was directed to the other guy digging in the muck near my tomato plants. Both guys extracted themselves and joined us.

So there we were, stooped over in silent fascination as we watched the grass pop up in various spots. I shuddered each time it happened because I was certain that the very next time the ground would break open completely and some multi-headed, slime-covered, pissed-as-all-get-out beast would emerge, stretch its tremendous jaws to reveal its even more tremendous teeth, and swallow me whole.

And then!

AND THEN...the next time the grass popped up, one of the worker guys whipped out a super-long screwdriver and STABBED IT DIRECTLY INTO THE INVISIBLE HEAD OF WHATEVER WAS UNDER THERE. And truly, I felt a tiny bit of lifeforce lift out of the ground and dissipate into the universe.

At which point I screamed and ran into the house.