Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Messages Telepathically Transmitted to Various Folks at Lunch and in the Library

To the two women at Copenhagen Bakery who spent half an hour dissecting every minute of last week's Grey's Anatomy in voices loud enough to wake the dead: on a scale of 1 to 10, the extent to which you suck is 175.

To the married seniors sitting together in the library sharing a stack of magazines—everything from Vogue to Smart Computing—and then falling asleep holding hands: you are marvelous.

To the limping, no-longer-young man devouring the Postal Exam Study Guide: you are breaking my heart and best of luck.

To the tall, thin, sixtyish fellow in the cashmere v-neck and wild-wale cords listening to his iPod and grinning and nodding while perusing really fat books about various musicians: I know this seems like a crime-free environment, but I urge you to stop—I repeat stop—leaving your iPod and $300 earphones on the chair every time you get up to look for more books.

To the college-age female with three bottles of water and two Starbucks cups on her desk: you are wasting so much time unclipping your hair, playing with it, and then twisting it back up and re-clipping it, that you will never pass the exam which you are attempting to pass. yes, I am wasting time, too, but we're talking about you right now, young lady, not me.

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