Little House on the...OH. MY. GOD.

It's some thirty-odd years later, and I can still remember exactly where the Westlake branch of the Daly City Public Library shelved the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. Some kids got their jollies (do you remember that? do you remember "getting your jollies?") high-stepping it to the 7-11 on 87th Street for a Baby Ruth and some Red Vines, but I wasn't (usually) among them. No, no, no. If you were looking for me, you could find me at the library, diligently working my way from Little House in the Big Woods through The First Four Years, while keeping a safe distance from the trenchcoat-wearing Library Flasher. Ewww. Ewww.

Anyways, today whilst kickin' it with Lea at the bookstore, I decided Risa and Vida were ready for their introduction to the Little House books. I snatched up a nice copy of Little House in the Big Woods, all excited at the prospect of sharing my precious childhood memories (okay, except for the Library Flasher part) with the next generation of book lovers.

Precious memories my arse.

On page 3, Laura is menaced by wolves. On page 4, she wakes in the morning to take her customary look at the beautiful oak trees in front of her house and sees...a dead deer hanging from a branch. On page 6, Pa skins the sucker, builds a smoker, and prepares venison to last through winter. Next, heroic Pa rescues the family pig from the clutches of a black bear in the middle of the night! On page 13, Laura is covering her ears so she does not have to hear this very same pig squeal as Pa and Uncle Henry take a knife to its throat. But, and I quote, "...After that, Butchering Time was great fun."

I cannot even describe the looks of abject horror on the faces of my daughters.

And yet...I continued. By the time Pa removed the pig's bladder and blew it up as a balloon for Laura and Mary to play with ("They could throw it into the air and spat it back and forth with their hands."), I was laughing so damn hard I could barely breathe. Seeing me laugh like this made all three kids start laughing, too, and we ended up writhing on the floor, gasping for air. "Okay, okay, that's enough!" I said. "No! NO! Read some more!"

So I did. I finished off with the section where Pa skins the pig's tail and thrusts a sharp stick through the large end so Laura and Mary can get their jollies roasting it over some blazing coals. "It was nicely browned all over," exults the omniscient narrator, "and how good it smelled!"

***

Speaking of pigs (and other farm-type animals), we're off to the Valley for our annual trip to the Big Fresno Fair.

You are so jealous.