Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Post In Which I Describe How I Briefly Turned 14-Years-Old Again

Yesterday, Vida was punched twice—TWICE! PUNCHED!—by a fourth grade boy after school. Eyewitness accounts confirm that the boy's actions were unprovoked and that, in fact, the two of them hadn't exchanged a word or even a look. He just walked up to her and punched her once, which elicited a shocked, silent response from Vida. "Do you want me to do it harder?" he said. He then hit her harder and ran off.

I realize that this could have been his way of saying, "I like you and do not have the words to express myself," but frankly I don't care. When I rounded the corner and saw my kid crying and heard the myriad other girl voices explaining what had happened, my reaction was such that there could have been no doubt in anyone's mind that I attended public school in Daly City.

In other words, my lovelies, your Nesting Ground Mistress LOST HER MIND. I was so utterly unencumbered by common sense that I might as well have been wearing the circa 1980 Daly City-sanctioned female uniform of creased baggy pants, black jellies, and my boyfriend's Member's Only jacket. I might as well have had elaborately feathered my hair, rimmed my eyes with the lighter-softened tip of a Maybelline eyeliner, and sprayed myself with Jovan Musk. I might as well have been standing at the 28C bus stop surrounded by a bunch of girls who wanted to kick my ass.

But I digress!

All is well now, and as I descended from the wuthering heights of my insanity, I realized two things:

1) I kind of wish this had happened to Risa instead because she would have just gone all Matrix on the kid and that would have been the end of it.

And also:

2) No one is ever going to punch Vida again.


Joanne said...

OH HELL NO! would have been my reaction. Some punk going up to your kid to punch her TWICE?! I so would have CUT HIM!

Okay. That's why I'm not a parent. Apparently, there's an adult way to handle that situation and I have no idea what that would even look like.

I will say that I know the feeling. This past summer my nephew came back from USA Hockey camp with a torn ACL. Some kid decided to bum rush him on the ice and it caused a major injury. (I get irate with things like that 'cuz Theo is usually one of very few brown kids in this very pooty sport).

My reaction to his injury was so violent that even my nephew refused to tell me who the kid was.


Theo actually felt sorry for the kid who bum rushed him!

This is why I can't be a parent.

But. Er. Um. FYI - I'm a green belt in krav maga in case you need some services.

Shuboy said...

I'm booking a flight to San Francisco to kill a child. Unless he's dead already. Which would be just fine with me.

Gladys said...

ver, could you please share what you did once sanity returned? i'd like to know for future reference. my blood is boiling just thinking about it.

COACHmickey said...

Thought of saying it and I will - but I am sure that next time the boy attempts to try it, it's just tetherball (his face) time.
Oh well, what are we going to do? Things happen, maybe the boy just reacted and thought that Vida was really Risa?

Hummm...then again, why would he do that? Trying to figure out parenting and childhood in the same sentence.

cornshake said...

omg. i would have CUT him. and I *am* a mother, so this scares me as well. what did u actually do, oh goddess of the playground??

ver said...

Update to come! You are all so wonderfully...VIOLENT!