Monday, August 14, 2006

Message(s) In a Bloggle

Dear Lady with the Fancy Pedicure at Pilates,

Please stop talking so loudly to your trainer. If you are unable to do that, please stop telling her how "clear" you are. How open, how honest, how free of negativity. Please stop telling her that it has taken you years to get to this place and how it was "really, really hard, you know?" And most of all, don't ever say loudly enough for anyone else to hear that if your lover were to take an axe and cut you open, he would find nothing but peace within you.

Love,

The Woman Whose Workout You Totally Screwed Up

***


Dear Checkperson at Safeway,

Please stop referring to me as "Mrs. Mendoza." You're close, but not really. Please stop saying, "Well, hello, Mrs. Mendoza!" and "You have a good day now, Mrs. Mendoza!" and "Where are the kids today, Mrs. Mendoza?" I appreciate friendly neighborhood customer service as well as the next, um, Mrs. Mendoza, but only if you get my name right. I am writing this message in a bloggle because I am too embarrassed to correct your mistake. And it's all your fault because you keep calling me Mrs. Mendoza with so much volume, force, and confidence. If you had just said it once, and tentatively at that, I could have gently told you my actual name.

Love,

Mrs. Mendoza

***


Dear Fancy Ladies at the Burlingame Street Fair,

Wow. You're fancy.

Love,

The Woman With A Denim Jacket Tied Around Her Waist

***


Dear NASA,

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, why not try eBay?

Love,

Your Fan at Nesting Ground

5 comments:

Gladys said...

*chuckle, chuckle* *guffaw* *snort* *cough* *chuckle*

whoo, thanks for the workout, v. seems we're all in an epistolary mood these days.

kuya said...

y'know... i don't think you'd be out of bounds to mention to your pilates trainer that the loud woman is ruining your workout. if your trainer has any balls, he/she might mention it to the other trainer... i mean, you're paying just as much as the loud lady and you should be getting as much out of your workout as she is. then you too can be clear, open, honest and free of negativity as she is. as for the fancy pedicure... you're on your own.
oh... and wouldn't it be great if your LOVAH could slice you open and find peace as well????

Anonymous said...

oh...this is funny as hell! LOL! Hey, do this--tell the checker at Safeway to give you a bottle of Montes wine and you'll forgive the mistake and call it all even. That supermarket is so stuck on itself. Remember their "Platinium Corn". And rancher's Reserve? As if they have special cows stores up in some exclusive pen or something. Jeeze. But you know...they get my name wrong too. I use my safeway ranchers reserve club card and they always say, "Thank you Mr. Martinez". I guess Martinez has my old phone # or something. Go figure.

Tony Robles

Joanne said...

i love it! i think i'm going to steal this as a weekly bitching- err... i meant writing exercise.

Jazzmamma said...

you are soooo very funny. i just love it!

hee hee... gives new meaning to the phrase "Houston, we have a problem"